3/28/16

The 814 tribune
~your source of missionary sasscastic humor~

The treat of Monday was giving a girl some dating advice on the bus. I was across the way from her and her friend. She was telling the whole story of them breaking up, her friend was just nodding and browsing on the tweet machine. I was the real friend whether she knew it or not. Mid way through her atrocious story I commented, "I'm sorry but that would be awful." After a slightly weirded-out look and comment I explained, "You're two feet away from me, I can't not hear this." She agreed and it was all chill. These two ex lovers said, if you want, text me and we can have lunch on Friday as friends. What kind of garbage is this? When her stop came and she got up, I said "Don't go out with him on Friday! Just cut it! Just cut it all off." They laughed and she thanked me for my advice. In the ever wise words from a man named TJ: "Cut it, or cuff it."

Tuesday was intense with the bombings and such. They gonna get a whoppin for messing with Gods army. hah Anyways we went to Penn State. I talked to some nice people. Gave out two cards, yes it was a rough day. And I got flipped off by some guy who whipped out his phone as he passed me, like he had friends or something. Later I thought of a good burn I could've said, but didn't because I represent Jesus here. It was: "Let your mom know I said hi for me." BOOM ROASTED. I love people but it really annoys me when they don't treat me like a human being. Im not a Mormon Dobby who's just waiting for the day to be freed from the church by receiving a tie.

Well on the bus ride back I sat in the front, it was a pretty empty bus. In the front was just me, a few attractive girls, and a guy next to me, passed out. Dead asleep. At a stop where the bus waits a minute, the driver was all worried he was actually dead. Apparently this woman has never seen a sleeping human before, because obviously wasn't dead. She then informed us he had gone around the bus loop six times now! Which is like 2 hours! She was worried that if she woke him up he wake up swinging. Seriously? Just wake the guy up, his whole day is janked over.
So I woke him up.
POKE
Guy: Uh hey what's up dude?
Elder Simmons: Hey man, how are you doing?
Guy noticing everyone is looking at him: Were your guys talking about me, I'm just getting off at the next stop. Bus Driver awkwardly: You've ridden around six times now.
Guy in shock and disbelief: What time is it? ---- 5 o'clock! ----- ------ I'm just going to walk now. --- ---- it! I can't believe this!
Let just put us in his shoes for a minute. Long day at school, 3 o'clock and headed home. Wow this bus is warm and bouncy, like a mother bouncing her baby to sleep... I'm just going to rest my eyes, no one will know with these swag sun glasses on.........
Alright my stop is next, who are these people talking about?..meh can't be me.
POKE
Suddenly nothing in his life is the same. Hours have passed, he's at Penn State not Ohio State, his phone is blown up from his girlfriend freaking out because he missed dinner with her. In fact he's single now. And his grandma is stuck on the roof again, and they can't get her down.

Wednesday nothing entertaining enough happened for me to write about, we worked hard. Thursday was a glorious day. In the early hours we bused and OYMed down on Beaver College. The weather was beautiful, like the patrons... Anyways lets skip ahead because we had a lesson with Juliette and her friend Kyle! I was worried that he was anti or something. I thought, this could either be great or by the end I'll rather drink a pitcher of bug spray with a lemon wedge. To our surprise he was super open and she was as well. We taught them the restoration while sitting on some rocks by a little stream, with ducks next to us. It was as fairytale like as Rumpelstiltskin weaving gold from hay. The scene puts any church made, missionary photo to shame. The best part is they understood the importance of the Book of Mormon, and are going to do something about it. Not much more anyone can ever ask for! We did other stuff but to emphasize the greatness of this lesson I won't bother writing it.

Kyle and Juliette

Friday we were at Penn State and I got to talk to a fair amount of people. No takers on said Mormon Bible, but a decent amount of cards. Curtis felt like junk so I was left with quite a few hours to rot in boredom. I realized I can make 3 panel comic out of pictures so I tried my hand at that, also tried to draw but realized I have about as much skill at drawing as a Honey Badger chewing on crayons.

Saturday was the day of change for a lot of people, including myself it turns out. Mid studies our phone sprang to life and my heart sank. After scorning Elder Curtis for not writing him in 3 months, President Johnson asked for me. And I've been called as District Leader. I've kind of been avoiding leadership, and have been doing a good job at it, but my time of reckoning has come. My first act as District Leader is to abolish role plays from existence. *Poof!* that's better. In celebration of Hummer leaving finally, Calaway and Curtis paid for a grande meal at Texas Roadhouse. So it was a pretty solid Saturday.

The mantle has been passed.

Easter Sunday was pretty solid, it didn't feel too differ from a normal day too me. It seems like most holidays as a missionary are like that. Sacrament meeting had a total of 11 songs. I'm all for praising with my pipes but good honk 11 is way too many. We had dinner at the Hileman's place, it's always a hoot with brother Hileman. We went out to grab some containers in our car so we could have left overs. We walked back to their town home, we walked up to the screen door, Curtis opened it from me and I stepped in. I looked up and the room was filled with smoke, there was junk everywhere. A very startled man got our attention and we realized really quickly we did not walk into the right house. We were only one door off and it was quite the trip. Pretty solid Easter I guess.

-Super Simmons

My district

Eating Chinese food.

3/21/16

Well hello.
Tuesday at forums I talked to my friend Brad. Who has "endowed" himself with anti, if you catch my drift. But my highlight on Tuesday was after forums, on the bus headed back to the car. I turned to the guy behind me and we had a quality conversation on the chew he was currently spitting. It did eventually turn to me being a missionary, and I handed him a card as he swore and ran to the door to get off. As he ran his can of used chew spills all over the floor and his hands. Notably when he was waiting at the door his cheeks got puffed up real big, like he was practicing for his audition in the school play, "The Prodigal Fish". With his part, Prince Huff - the royal pufferfish - who has daddy problems and, after swimming off with his inheritance, gets into drugs, and dates the skanky, six sided starfish named Celeste. Not to be outdone, the facially bloated student immediately blew chunks into the trash can, that was miraculously right outside the bus. At least he didn't puke on the card right?

Wednesday was a memorable one too. We had a district meeting, in which we role played. We always role play. It's not my thing but I'm sure it helps people when they have investigators. Sometimes I'd rather ride a seatless unicycle naked than role play. We did go to Primanti Brothers which was amazing. I got to watch the Tigers, Astros game. I'm guessing baseball will be very similar to the marriage process. I feel like both have stats, franchising, and trading players around. Anyways something miraculous happened. We got a text out of the blue from a girl we talked to at Penn State. We're going to meet with her next week, it's going to be lit! We also had BOM class with Ronda and Bro Hileman in attendance! We read Jacob 5, all 77 thousand verses of it. And somehow we were all able to explain it to all who attended.

Thursday was St. Patrick's day so naturally we went to iHop. Nick was giving us the dodge, he hadn't texted us, but eventually we talked to him at the register. He said he'd text us that night. He didn't. Idk what his problem is, but we can still be friends at least-jeez. For service we cooked Corn Beef and Cabbage, and yes it was magically delicious. I enjoyed my time there because I was given the responsibility to watch over some of the food in the oven and tell when it done being cooked. I tried to tell them I'm only good at knowing when bacon and pop tarts are done cooking, but it didn't matter. Ps the food was fine. We saw some St. Patty's day ruckus let me tell you.

Friday was another fine day of OYMing at PSU in which I gave one copy of the BOM to a Asian girl. And the other three hours was me leaning against a pole saying hi and complimenting people. Saturday we drove to Altoona and visited the baseball stadium for the Altoona curve! It's pretty big and super nice and for some reason has a roller coaster behind the outfield.

Altoona Curve, it's so beautiful!

Also we went to a priesthood meeting for two hours. In which I kept myself sane by typing on my iPad case, like it was a keyboard, whatever the current speaker was telling us about chastity. Went back to State College and attended Ray's baptism! It was awesome, got to love those things. Right after the ordinance was performed everyone filed into the chapel again. I stayed in the foyer for a minute and looking through the door down the hall I saw the rest of my days happiness go get a part time job cutting grass with fingernail clippers. The trio of sisters walk in all excited, and asked if it had happened already. It was a great pleasure to inform them that when you're a half hour late to a baptism you're most likely going to miss them being baptized.

On the sabbath we went driving over 200 hundred miles to two firesides. Also didn't get to go to our wards sacrament. One fireside in Sunbury-also Sunbury is in the middle of no where-and one in Williamsport. About 3 hours of driving total. The two firesides in general were fantastic but I swear some missionaries cannot sing, it's like they swallow a half quart of broken glass before they start. Other highlights included free food, getting a potential investigator for someone, and getting stuck in the bathroom getting talked at a old guy for 5 minutes.

Urinal rambling at it's finest.

But the Coup de grace was the driving, with the sisters. For hours. There was some fireworks near the end when they took 15 minutes to get out of the church. We got home about 10:30. Honestly I would have rather gotten curb stomped by a train then do those hours of ridiculousness again. Ok it wasn't that bad but it was a long day. Oh but the saving grace of that ride was calling Kevin and talking with him. #pittisbest #s/otoseagullandcrew

Elder Simmons

Estrogen filled road trips cause brain damage.

A chrome Audi R8

Always stop at scenic overlooks, no matter how much time you have.

When you are at Penn State too long.

3/14/16

Well. Where did this week even go. Honestly I don't even know how 7 days went by this fast. It was Spring Break here for the College students so the normally busy area of Beaver, College, suddenly had the darnedest small town feel. It was like the Gilmore Girls set but it had more old smelly people and a whole bunch of Indian restaurants. A lot of this week consisted of getting ready for the fireside. And other times were devoted to trying to get in contact with our big list of potential investigators left over by other missionaries. We tried many a people but none answered. This lack of success was most evident on Friday. In that morning we tried 4 different people none of which answered. And for some reason no one was around, walking about. Even a members house, which had adequate restroom facilities, didn't answer their door. We walked 5 miles in 2.5 hours, then I crashed and took a nap during lunch.

Penn State!

Slack lining on campus with some hippies.

Wednesday, had a planned lesson with Rhonda and Bro Hileman for after BOM class. Sadly they didn't come because someone's back wasn't feeling good. I'll be honest when I don't get to meet with our one investigator, it doesn't feel like the most productive week. We did get to see Bro Henderson and Laura Beth, so that's nice.

Zone conference.

Thursday was Zone Conference, which was pretty awesome. Elders Ord and Miller stayed at our place again, we went to breakfast with them at the waffle shop that was a good time. I learned-as always- that I need to improve at being a missionary in about 58 different ways at Zone conference. It's exhausting to be sitting there for 7 hours, it was a good time after to go to Texas Roadhouse with a bunch of other missionaries.

The Waffle Shop featuring Ord and Miller

I asked a smoking Asian man to take this picture in front of Texas Roadhouse.

Saturday was the fireside of Charles and Judith, they did a great job of teaching us about the craziness of Burundi, and their journey of coming to Pennsylvania thanks to God's intervention. The most exciting part was, while sitting in the chapel, being shown a picture of some dead bodies and a mass grave in Burundi. That got me going 😯 {surprised shocked face} along with all the other people in the chapel as well. Especially the parents and children who were in attendance. The ride home from the fireside was filled with sister missionary shinanagins, screaming, and laughing, and some crying thanks to a monthly process. By the end of dropping them off-after a quick trip to Walmart-I was about ready to pull a Van Gough and cut my ear off- twice. One important lesson I learned at Texas Roadhouse is that not all sisters are ridiculous as some. Also if there's a female out there who wants to be a missionary one day -I highly doubt I reach out to that demographic often- just be a normal person mkay? Thanks. Well I'm done with that rangent. Yes a rangent, a rant and a tangent combined.

On a lighter note, spring is on its way! The weather has been very nice this week, but the spiders are a bein birthed. It also looks like I'm the one who can handle spiders better in the companionship. Lols. With spring comes birds, and some birds around here sound like the noise of a garbage disposal and a 10 year old playing a piccolo combined. No wonder these creatures weren't blessed with thumbs #👍

Sunday was a blessed day indeed. I love going to church. There was a great talk today about parenting and a returned missionary from Russia came home. It turned out to be a comical day, during sacrament the speaker said this exact line "Furniture has a lot of great analogies for life." in my head I pictured a table sitting there telling life analogies. I also imagined it with a mustache and eye glass. My imagination opposed the wanted interpretation of, furniture making creates good analogies, but I liked mine more. Rhonda wasn't there today she had to go pick someone up from surgery. Fast forward to Elders Quorum, and for contextual help there's a less accountable guy named James, he's a really nice guy, and really funny it turns out. We were talking about the dispensations of the gospel and the question was asked by the teacher "Did Moses have a dispensation?" James then loudly threw his two cents in the matter by saying "Isn't that the one who ate the poisoned Apple??" And I replied from across the room "I think that was Snow White.." Lols. Then James was next objective was to figure out what time it was so he knew when to bounce right at 4. He looked up to the broken clock and said "Is that clock up there working?" The answer was "It's not even moving.." So he leaves to go find a battery, bless his heart. When he comes back victorious he tells his neighbor "I stole the battery from another clock!" Hahaha it was a lit week. #thanksnoah

Cool Beans,

Super Simmons

Too much swag

Wayalac and I

The Mclaren!

3/7/16

Well where to begin with this week of weeks! Tuesday we had a pretty solid day at Penn State. It's the most expensive people watching tuition can buy! I talked to two really sweet people. One was a girl named B. Juice, first off a girl with the last name Juice should probably be able to keep her last name when she gets married. Second we had a really good conversation about the BOM. I introduced it to her, told her it's going to bless her just like the Bible does. Then I touched on prophets and how the BOM is the evidence that a prophet has been called on the Earth again. She agreed that it kinda changes everything to know that God called a prophet again. So I hope she reads. Side tangent, lately in my studies the underlying message I keep getting is the confusion caused by the apostasy and knowledge caused by the Restoration. It's been a big week building my testimony on Doctrinal differences that we now enjoy that others still have lost. Anyways the other guy I talked to was named Brad, #swag, he just came up to me and shook my hand. We had about a half hour talk, I was called to defend my Faith a bit. He was a sincerely nice guy and really loves being Christian but he believes that through Christ's grace were saved and only by that we can come back. Which is true but it's after all we can do. He even pulled out 2 Nephi 25:23 thinking it would stump me in that they talk about Grace differently. But what he doesn't realize is that he doesn't have all the knowledge. But luckily he was still a humble guy (like most Brads are ba dum tss) and he accepted a BOM. He said he'd read with a open heart, not looking to rip it apart. And he said he'd pray about it. Not much more I can ask from the guy.

Wednesday was the whopper. Had a district meeting, then we were out tracting in quant, Pine Grove Mills, PA. We knocked on a good amount of houses in a neighborhood. Met a deaf woman, the dog from that Sandlot, and a whole lot of 'no thanks'. The best part is that everyone we talk to is always super nice. Well almost. We tried a new neighborhood and the first house we hit an older lady answered. I introduced ourselves and she just said you need to go now. Then she repeated herself and said you need to go right now. So we went our way, and Elder Curtis says, did you see that? Apparently not, I was preoccupied with her dogs but she was holding a gun in her hand. A solid 9 mm, I wish I had noticed it so bad. But nevertheless we kept on knocking. A few houses later I looked back to see her on the phone looking at us through her window. I thought she's either calling her neighbors or the cops. It wasn't the neighbors because all her neighbors were very kind to us, one guy has even been to Temple Square. Also, it was the cops because shortly after a Police officer rolled up. He was super nice and he told us that people are uptight because there was a homicide in the town not too long ago and they still don't know who shot the older woman's face off after walking into her house. So I'll give the lady some credit for being such a dingus. The officer also said that because we're just doing our church thing they can't kick us out. But it's causing some uneasiness. So we thought meh! Let's keep knocking. We knocked one more house and see that another cop has come to assumedly just sit there and watch us. So then we decided to not waste the good taxpayers money on us and bounce. Oh also the Cop took the picture for us.

The classic: get the cops called on you then have the cop take the pic for you, picture.


Thursday we got to do service at two churches cooking food, it's always a good time. Except when you make friends with a Giants baseball fan. Gross. But we had our dinner and lesson with the Heilmans that night! With another couple from the Ward there, we had a great time listening to both the smoke detector and Bro Heilman talk for two hours. At the end we got our playing time and talked about the Restoration with Ronda (turns out she's already been taught it). She talked about her wanting to learn more about the church and to one day become a member. I felt that I needed to say that we can do it at her own pace, because we're just the guides n@. There was a very good spirit during the discussion with the Williams testifying and Ronda wanting to join sometime soon. Also some crazy ish with the Catholic Church happened around here.

Friday we had Forums, it being the last day before the spring break not too much happened. I had a good time, I talked to some cool people. One guy I talked to has Randal from Monsters Inc. as his Spirit Animal on point.

Randal from 'Monsters Inc' lols.


I didn't give a single BOM out, which is kind of disheartening at times, but in the end the Lord provided. After a dinner in which I burned my mouth to a crisp with hot sauce that is 9.6 mil on the SHU scale. It was dropped into a bowl of chili, stirred, and I had one bean. I have never felt Satan's wrath more that eating that bean.

Eating a bean that was hit with a drop, then stirred in a bowl or 9.6 Mil hot sauce on the SHU scale.

Afterwards we took a walk around the town. We talked to an Asian couple, who were actually Christian. First time that's ever happened to me. I gave them a BOM and invited them to church. Saturday has been crazy too. It's been my best week in State College for sure. If anyone is still reading this props to them because I doubt I'd get this far reading anyone else's weekly updates. Anyways, Elder Curtis and I went to iHop and not only got breakfast but a phone number of our waiter. Another guy named Nick, who is super spiritual and loves God and has a crazy story finding God apparently. I gave him a Restoration Pamphlet which I happened to grab spur of the moment. He was awesome, more to come with him.

Nick, our waiter at iHop


We also met a woman who said she wanted to be baptized into a church, but she lives in Altoona so that's too bad. We also went to Cold Stone and the girl working there was interested too! She got a BOM. For dinner with Sherry, a recent convert, and her mom we went to Chick-fil-a. The manager swiped a mysterious credit card and paid for us. It was like $30 in the end. Sherry said it was a miracle because she didn't have much cash. So that's crazy. No one fessed up to it so we couldn't thank anyone. Blessings to that person. Later that night we got scared by a possessed dog -like 84% sure here-and got out of the creepy dark neighborhood. It was quite the day. God put a lot of people in our path that day and it's mind blowing to get Divine help.

Sunday was a very pleasant day, Ronda came to church so no complaints. No Asian couple but I wasn't expecting it. Church is my favorite part of the week, even if fasting is tough. I even paid fast offerings for the second time ever. Lol whoops. This upcoming week is going to be crazy, a Zone Conference, the fireside, and a baptism for the other Elders!

Peace

Elder Snommis

A guy who's ancestor helped design and build the tabernacle at Temple square. (Henry Grow)

Cool wood shop thingy

Got my first kill